Have you ever been so angry that you started to cry? I know I have. I would stand there trying to look tough and mean, but instead there are tears streaming down my face… great. Why does this happen to me and why is Anger and Sadness linked together this way?
I could get in a fight with someone and be so upset and pissed off and the water works instantly start. Sometimes this uninvited reaction makes me even more upset because it is embarrassing and isn’t something that I can control. Is it some sort of emotional overload where my body and my mind don’t know any other way to react? Is there underlying pain or hurt in the current situation? I feel like it makes me look weak when I cry, which is one main reason why I walk away from confrontations that may lead into fights.
Does this ever happen to you? If so, how do you deal with it? Why do you think it happens?
That’s right guys, Hostess is going out of business. The company most known for Twinkies and Wonder Bread is soon to be no longer. Firing all 18,500 of their employees and selling their brand.
I just did a search on ebay for Twinkies and they are literally selling from $20 to $50 a box! A BOX! That’s 10 cute like cakes filled with creamy diabetes that will probably expire by December or January. If you don’t believe me, look for yourself.
I never really understood the fascination with Twinkies, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to check and see if any are still for sale in the shops around me…
So I am going to Florida in 6 days, and I am Uber excited about that! However, I’ve developed a kind of fear of flying. For some strange reason all I can think about is how many ways I can die on a plane for the entire ride, kinda morbid I know, but it’s involuntary.
Try having those kinds of thoughts while holding your sisters kids in your lap, trying so hard not to show the fear on your face… Laughing and playing with them when all you can think is that the plane is gonna crash before it even reaches 20 thousand feet. What the fuck is wrong with me man?
It’s not even just flying though, it’s everything… everyday. I fear death. Since I was 13 years old, I’ve had these thoughts… these fears. Sometimes they’d get so bad I’d have panic attacks, though I didn’t know that’s what it was back then. I’d tell myself that it’s an irrational fear, that I shouldn’t be so scared like this… but really, how can it be irrational if we all die?
What the hell am I supposed to do, seriously? I am normally very good at hiding it, but when the panic comes, it comes. My whole body gets hot, my heart starts racing even faster than my mind, and all I can say (if I can say anything at all) is “Oh my god, Oh my god, Oh my GOD!” and when someone else is there all I can say is “Oh my god, I’m so sorry”. Thank goodness most of my panic attacks are when im alone at night. Which is why my sleeping habits royally suck. If I lay down and actually TRY to sleep, I will panic because my mind doesn’t just shut down, it keeps going even when my eyes are closed. So I stay up till my body can’t take it anymore and I just pass out.
This shit is affecting my daily life. I rarely go out, I barely have any new friends, and all the old friends I have live hundreds of miles away and I only see them on facebook or skype. Not that I’d hang out with them anyway, because I don’t want anyone to see me like this. I’m even scared that I’ll freak people out if I tell them about it.
Pretty sure I need to see a therapist… or a psychiatrist, or was it a psychologist? Shit, I don’t know! Even a fucking hypnotist would help at this point. I just don’t want to worry about it anymore. I don’t want to worry that I’m going to get hit by a car or a bus everytime I cross the street. I don’t want to worry that I’m going to be accidentally shot at when I turn a dark corner in my neighborhood after dark. And I certainly don’t want to think of what I’ll do if anything happens to my family. I’m just going to completly lose it when my mom dies, I can’t even think about it.
I wish I could afford therapy, but considering all of the things that are actually wrong with me, they might lock my ass up. I think I should change my name on this blog, because suddenly I feel that all this honestly might just leave me forever alone…
Today, I was just going to be a reader. I just wanted to blog hop and participate in other peoples posts, see what’s going on in their lives, when I stumbled upon a blog called Beyond The Masquerade (Great blog name by the way. Wish I thought of it myself since it is way more fitting than my current blog name)
She’d written a post yesterday about quitting NaBloPoMo, which i’ve never heard of before. Then, of course, my curiosity got the best of me, so I looked it up. What is NoBloPoMo? It stands for National Blog Posting Month which you can read about it’s origins here on wisegeek.com
Anyway, back to my main reason for deciding to blog today… While reading her post, I thought that I could NEVER see myself accepting a challenge like that. But why? It shouldn’t be too hard to have something to say once a day right?
The difficult part for me would be the commitment of it all. And that word… at that time, just got me thinking. At first I thought, I’m not really a writer, so it wouldn’t make sense to join. But then it made me think about my life, how unorganized it is, how it isn’t really going anywhere. It made me think how I haven’t really made any meaningful commitments to anyone or anything, and it also makes me realize that maybe I’m not an interesting person at all, that maybe I don’t have anything special to offer…
Though I didn’t mean for this post to go spiraling down a drain of depression, I am going to publish it anyway. After all, this is my blog where I am supposed to be truthful and honest, right?. Such a contradiction of my life… truth and honesty. I haven’t been any of those things to myself or anyone else in a very long time, I hope one day I can change.
So I finally got in touch with my landlord and they are willing let me stay here and pay off my debt in installments, SCORE! But after doing the math, it’s gonna tak me like 5 or 6 months to pay it all off >.<
Which basically means I need to make some money and FAST. And the friggin holidays are coming up! Guess I’ll just be sending baked goods and greeting cards this year.
I called my landlord this morning and had to leave a voicemail *sigh*
Basically I just asked if I could pay off my debt $1000 at a time and still have a place to live. It’s been 4 hours and still no call back. Should I be worried? Yeah… I thought so.
In other news! I just recently had an uber satisfied client send me a really sweet message this morning about a project I did for him. I am a voice over artist, well… I recently stumbled into it without any training at all so I’m not sure if I can actually call myself that just yet.. but anyway, here is what he had to say:
Allyson, your last audio file was perfect! Your voice conveyed both the “serious” and “sales pitch” messages I wanted conveyed with the narration.
As a former on-air reporter at ABC, I’m going to pay you an additional complement. I gave you a one-minute script and you returned an audio file that was exactly one minute in length. This is a difficult task to achieve for even the most seasoned broadcasters (I know because I’m a former seasoned broadcaster).
Man that is so great to read! Because I’d have never seen myself getting paid to read in a million years. Once I started, though, I always thought “wow I suck at this” but at the end of the day, it doesn’t always really matter what I think of my work, it’s what the client thinks, right? RIGHT!
I started writing a post talking ALL about my voice over gig but I’m not even sure I want to post it anymore, I’m so depressed about my current living situation *sigh* Let me not get into it, I really wanted to end this on a positive note. So here we go!
I’m four thousand dollars behind in rent…. and I have 5 days before I’m evicted…. I hate borrowing money especially when I don’t deserve it. I feel really worthless right now, just when things were starting to get better too. I found a new source of income, but it’s a slow start. Hopefully everything will be okay. I guess we will know in 5 days.